The Neurodivergent Crash Course on Feeling Overwhelmed

Do you know what self regulation means for you?

I'm sure you might be aware of the term self regulation.

But it doesn't mean that you necessarily know what it means when it comes to you.

Because the definition of it in reality can be super different from each person.

Self-regulation to me means wearing a weighted hoodie.

I am right now at this moment wearing a weighted hoodie and I love it.

Would recommend trying at least once.

It's not for everybody. Not every individual is going to want to wear

a 10-pound weight on around their shoulders and their arms and hands

and maybe around their waist.

That could be a little bit much for some people.

I like it. I find it is a very helpful form of self regulation to me.

It feels like a giant hug at all times.

That's what works for me. What does it mean to you,

though?

The idea of trying to understand what your mind and brain and body

are trying to tell you is a culmination of your senses,

of your mental health, of your emotional health,

that take in and say, Okay, am I actually feeling okay right now?

Do I feel good? Or does something hurt?

And what can I actually do about that?

I've been on this up and down journey recently of feeling regulated

and sometimes feeling dysregulated.

And I've had a lot of experimentation to figure out what does it actually mean

for me, for Shay, to feel self-regulated?

What do I need to do if I feel like I am dysregulated in order to come back

to that sense of regulation, that sense of self and peace.

Regulation's a long word. So I might not say

the word

Every single time I talk about the idea of it,

you could think about it as a moment of peace,

as a moment of you feeling like you're in control of your body,

of feeling calm. There's lots of different terms to describe

the idea of self-regulation. But what I wanna start off with is just this idea

of what does it mean for your body to be at rest,

at its calmest? And I don't necessarily mean when you're sleeping.

I mean when you feel like you are your when your mind and your body are still.

Your heart rate is lower, your blood isn't pumping,

your mind isn't racing with different things,

that can have a lot of different triggers and forms for you.

For me, dealing with lots of sensory stuff,

to me, lots of sounds, lots of lights,

lots of smells, that can set me off,

so to speak, and make me really dysregulated.

I've experienced a lot of dysregulation during interviews,

in the workplace, on the job, just by being myself and trying to manage lots

of different things happening all around

me.

Interviews especially are super challenging because I'm trying

to juggle the conversation that's happening or me showing a skill set

or solving a problem while also managing an environment which might

be familiar to me, I might be doing an interview from home,

or it might be completely unfamiliar to me if I'm in an on-site,

if I'm in a virtual platform or online environment where I'm trying

to use the tools, use what's in front of me.

It can be extremely disorienting to me.

And that causes my brain to race.

The feeling of dysregulation to me means that my head physically starts to hurt.

That is the form that dysregulation,

the absence of a calm or the absence of a peace,

feels to me. That could mean something different to you.

This lack of calm and the invasion of chaos,

of disruption, of feeling like something is bothering you,

you don't know what, could come in different forms.

Maybe you express that by tapping your feet or fidgeting with your fingers

or pulling your hair. Maybe you need a fidget device around you.

Maybe you like to bite on something.

These are all valid and real examples from myself or people that I know

of how we express moments to say,

I feel a little bit uneven.

Uneven is a simpler way to express this feeling of.

imbalance or a lack of balance,

a lack of control with our environment.

A perfect example of this that I have experienced over and over again would

be having to have lunchtime conversations with people in a loud environment.

There's a couple different ways this can take,

but it's the most disorienting to me if we're in a super loud and busy place

and I'm trying to manage a lot of things.

Imagine a high school cafeteria

It's

loud, it's smelly, there's a lot of lights on because it's a school,

you're talking to people around you,

and I'm trying to eat, I'm trying not to get food on myself,

I'm trying to eat slowly, I'm worrying about how much I'm drinking.

My brain it's like having a like a bazillion different tabs open in a browser,

except for the fact that you don't have an excuse to have 20 to 30 tabs open,

which it's okay if you do. I'm guilty of having 20 to 30.

Tabs open too. There's no shame in that.

But when you're in a lunchtime environment,

maybe the maximum tabs you can have open is 12.

One tab for smelling, one tab for lights,

one tab for eating, one tab for speaking.

My brain can only have so many things happening while still being able

to do what it has to do in this environment.

And then I have to divvy up the energy between each of these different tasks

and say, okay, I

I can spend this amount of energy on eating.

I can spend this amount of energy on having a conversation.

Some people have a lot of capacity and a lot of energy to dish out

to lots of different parallel thoughts or tasks or interactions that they

are having with other people. I'm not like that.

A lot of neurodivergent people are like that.

Some aren't like that. I'm not here to say that any one person does or does

not have that level of energy.

Consistently. Sometimes it really just comes down to what side of the bed

we wake up on. But sometimes it can come down to environmental factors that

are within or outside of our control.

In this same lunch setting in high school,

the way that I attempted to stay regulated was I would eat my lunch,

make chit chat with people, and then as a high school student,

everybody had the option of going up to the library.

A very quiet.

peaceful environment for me and that was calming for me.

I could eliminate a lot of the guesswork and a lot of the overwhelming pieces

of sensation that I was going through at a cafeteria and control that

and say okay we're going to leave this environment which is stressful

but bearable and go into a place where it is not only unstressful but enjoyable.

I'm a big bookworm. I love the environment the librarians knew me on a first

name basis.

I was certainly a frequent flyer.

It's like you have the loyalty card for visiting the library.

You get the nine punches, and your tenth punch,

you get something for free, or you get a little gift,

or candy, or something that you would be allowed to do in a library.

Eating in a library maybe is not the best idea,

but you would get something for loyalty and commitment to being in the library.

The point of this is that I identified somewhere where I said to myself,

I do not feel

calm here and I have an opportunity to do something about it

and help move myself into a calmer situation that way the stress level does

not build up until it becomes too much to bear until I have a shutdown

or a meltdown or I just curl up into a ball and don't want to do anything

for the rest of the day. Which has happened to me if I have been overwhelmed

and unable to control my stressors

And then I find myself in a place and time when I am basically ejecting emergency

abort mission and I'm in fight for my life mode.

You could describe that as being a meltdown or a shutdown.

There's different forms that that moment of overwhelming takes when

you are pushed over the edge and need to leave the stressful environment under

any and every circumstance. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you what each

of those little things looks like.

What matters the most in that moment is being able to first identify that moment

of saying, I'm stressed, I am under duress,

something in my environment, you don't have to know what,

something around me is causing me to feel uneven or unbalanced.

That's the first step. Nothing else really matters unless you can look into your

body, feel what you're feeling,

and

Ask yourself frankly and listen to those signs.

To me, the signs that I was distressed in the cafeteria,

for me that was tapping my toes,

to me, that was me eating fast,

I wasn't talking. It took me a long time before I could actually recognize

the s the signs of me being distressed in the cafeteria.

I didn't really realize it until a few years into my time at high school,

or I'm like, mmm, this place is kind of loud.

And it was in a

place where I'd always sit at the same table with my friends.

There were no assigned tables,

but we would sit at almost the exact same table every single time.

And it always happened to be at this table that was closer to the middle

of the room where the sound on all sides of the room.

And this was at a point in my time where I didn't want to be a bother

to other people. I didn't want to ask,

hey can we maybe try to move to a quieter part of the room?

Maybe a corner, maybe by a window,

maybe somewhere a little bit further away from the action.

That's what I wished that I'd had to

the confidence to say. And looking back,

I'm sure that had I asked the question,

we could have pulled it off, or we could have maybe switched a table every once

in a while. There were empty tables.

It wasn't an issue of there not being space.

It was just a matter of me maybe not having the courage or the confidence

to speak up and ask for what I needed.

I wish that I had had that level of self confidence to say,

I am undergoing a moment of stress and I would like to do something about it.

The ultimate leader would have done something about it was going to the library,

which removed myself from the social situation.

I was enjoying being with my friends and having lunch with them,

but at the same time it did take care of my sensory and

s and overwhelm needs that I was going through.

It's it's a tough balance, and I don't think I've

was

mature enough to really reflect on that and ask myself what are

you exchanging what are you having to leave behind in order to meet your sensory

needs sometimes and I've often felt this you do have to make

a choice between one thing or the other in order to do what's best for you

And that can mean leaving a scenario where part of you is enjoying it,

you're enjoying the conversation,

maybe you're talking about something that you enjoy,

but in the back of your mind there's this gnawing,

there's this increase in your heart rate,

there's this sense that you are losing the ability to follow

the conversation that is occurring,

and you are finding that you are spending more energy being where

you are doing what you're doing.

And then you are actually gaining some sort of social energy back from

the conversation. And in that moment I had to ask myself,

Am I okay leaving this conversation to take care of myself ultimately?

And the answer that I had to come to was yes,

because the alternative to me was a lot worse,

and I've been through that alternative.

I've been through the scenario where I've shut down and just completely retreated

from the conversation.

case it was not necessarily a shutdown but the situations where I

was overwhelmed in a cafeteria are more just me like retreating,

just being silent, kind of being unapproachable.

And that's frustrating for other people to have to see.

It's frustrating for me not being able to explain it,

and for others kind of having to observe me and see me as being antisocial,

being withdrawing, and not really being a part of the friend group.

And I

And was with a group of people who understood that and were okay with it,

but looking back, I can't help but wonder what they were thinking

or what their perception of me was.

And it was years ago, so I can only spend so much energy thinking about it,

but I do tend to wonder about that sometimes in my current job or workplace

or for other people as well. I know very well about my own behaviors

and the social sphere that sometimes I just want to have lunch by myself.

That's okay.

I think

I've really set much healthier boundaries and set much healthier understandings

of doing what I need to do for myself.

Sometimes I'll have the capacity to have lunch with my co-workers.

It depends honestly a lot on my meetings the rest of the day.

Is it a big day in the office?

What's what am I having for lunch?

What are they having for lunch?

There are a lot of factors that are that decision of do I have the capacity

to show up and be a little social and mask a little bit.

make chit-chat. My ability to expend this energy and the actual energy that

it takes really kind of varies day to day.

I don't want to say that it always takes the exact same amount of energy from

one time to the other. Sometimes I will not have it to give.

I will take my lunch and I will go sit on a different floor and just be alone,

listen to a YouTube video, go do something else,

go for a walk, sit outside and have my lunch and a nice day.

Sometimes I just have to do what I need to do for myself.

And while that might sound confusing and weird to some people,

it is me being aware and kind of what it means for me to maintain

my sense of control and my sense of self-regulation.

And it's not for everybody. Not everybody is going to have the same level

of comfort with removing themselves from a situation that maybe they gain

a lot of joy and energy out of for other reasons.

It's totally possible for someone to want to push through and have lunch with their

co-workers all the time, even if it can be a very highly exhausting,

very masking scenario. And that's okay.

I think my response to that would just be to be aware and be sensitive

to what your body is telling you,

what your mind is telling you.

If you find that you're going through this lunchtime encounter and

every

time you do you're always exhausted the rest of the day you feel depleted

or drained maybe take time to think about and listen is this going

to really be something you can do long term sustainably do you have to maybe

sit out to lunch sometimes and do it by yourself can you try to have that lunch

conversation in an environment which is a little bit quieter or a little

bit less overwhelming? Do you have the level of trust and comfort from your

coworkers to say hey can we maybe try to have this some more quieter

Can we sit outside? Can we do something else?

And just maybe explore what's possible.

Or even taking matters into your own hands.

If you know that you want to have lunch with co-workers,

taking the initiative and say,

hey folks, let's get lunch today and meet outside.

You have dictated the terms of this lunch and it's within your control now.

No longer is it awkward for you to ask somebody to move after the fact

and after the lunch has begun to congregate,

but you

Have taken the initiative here and say,

hey, let's go outside, or let's go to a quiet part of the office,

or let's meet at a different time when there's less people around.

Your ability to take control of a situation is reflective of your understanding

of what it takes for you to balance the things that maybe you want

to do selfishly with what you have the capacity to do in reality.

I've written to that time and time and time again.

There is a balance between things that I so want to do and wish that

I had the capacity and energy to do,

and at a certain point in time I just don't have it to give.

I want to do it, but I

I can't. The

Big line that I always think about in my head when it comes to trying to

do too much is Huntense coming from Hamilton.

The line goes, Why do you write like you're running out of time?

I've often felt that I just want to do everything.

I feel that I'm running out of time,

even though I'm pretty young. I want to do everything.

I want to be a part of everything.

I want to engage in everything,

do every sport, every activity,

every job. But the further I divide my attention,

whether it's extracurricular things,

hobbies,

Activities or simply day-to-day things just trying to manage my task load,

manage my workload. I don't have the energy to do everything that I want to do.

Whether that's over the course of an hour,

course of a workday, of a full day,

of a week, a month, a year. I can't do it all.

I want to, but I can't.

And recognizing that has been extremely helpful for me being able

to balance my mental health and be aware of okay,

when I try to do it all, here's how my body feels.

And here is what happens if I keep pushing myself past my limits,

and then I burn out, and then I have to retreat,

I have to recharge my social battery,

or do something else to recover.

And I experience that burnout,

and it sucks, and it's awful. And the last thing that

that

I want to do is go through that whole thing all over again.

And then I say to myself, okay,

well, what am I willing to part with or put on pause or give up?

There were a lot of things in my life that I wish I had more time to

do all the time, but I don't have it to give,

and as a result, I have to be mindful about the things that are going

to help me feel more in control and feel more regulated.

And balancing that with things that I do have to on a daily basis.

Do I love mowing the lawn, raking the leaves,

managing the garden? Sometimes yes,

sometimes no. Sometimes being outside brings me a lot of joy,

smelling the leaves, getting to work

in the garden.

and get my hands dirty and grow some flowers.

Sometimes that fills my cup. Sometimes it's draining.

The same activity can simultaneously be really healthy and be really draining,

and it can also be draining and healthy at different times.

That's okay. That's life. That happens.

Sometimes you'll just want to get some floss in your teeth and get that piece

of the apple skin that's been in there for a couple minutes.

Other times you'll dislike the sensation of that floss getting in there.

Flossing your teeth is an interesting example,

but it illustrates the point of being sensitive to what your body needs

to feel regulated. Maybe the feeling of that thing in your teeth

is more uncomfortable to you than getting the floss in there and yanking it out.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you what you should or shouldn't feel.

What I am going to implore you to do is to be sensitive and aware to what

it means for you to be stressed.

Then once you know what feeling stressed feels like,

what are you gonna do about it?

What can you do about it? Can you put something to motion around you that's going

to actually help you feel calmer,

feel more successful, feel more ready to take on the challenges that are facing you?

And then can you actually go ahead and do that?

There's three different steps there.

Help, I'm stressed. What can I do about it?

Let's go ahead and actually do it.

And maybe you do need a permission from someone around you.

You need to implement a part of a system to help you change something

in your environment, to give you an escape hatch or an escape pod.

I'm using these terms very figuratively,

but if in my situation I need to take a step back from a busy lunchtime conversation

and say, Hey, I'm just feeling a little bit overwhelmed now.

I'm gonna go chill up for a bit.

And maybe I just set an expectation on people up front on my team that

we are not caught off guard.

or surprised or don't feel hurt if I'm in the middle of a lunchtime thing

and just say, hey, I'm gonna just take a step backwardness for a minute.

I don't want their feelings to be hurt.

I don't know what they're going through.

But setting the expectation of them really up front gives them the sense

of peace that I'm not trying to be rude.

I'm not trying to do for somebody disrespectful.

It's more about me and not about them.

And helping others understand these things that might look unorthodox

or might sound strange helps them be aware of it and helps them really understand

and support me. And that is what I would implore you to do.

It depends on the situation, and you don't always have to tell everybody every

little thing about you. But if you do find that there are pl people you trust,

people who you see as being strong advocates to help you make a change

in your environment, help explain something.

help work through a particularly sticky part of your environment that's giving

you trouble, it's okay to lean on them and ask for their help

in communicating something, processing something you want to try,

and actually making the change that you want to see.

It sounds like a lot, and depending on the thing,

it can be a lot. But you owe it to yourself to try,

because the alternative of burning out,

crashing out, melting down can be a lot worse than that.

And the last thing you want to do is to burn out over and over and over,

because you'll never get back to being your awesome self,

but you know you can be.